A career spanning decades Accumulated stress from years of working Secrets from your past
A relationship that drains you instead of filling your cup Regrets, many or few Self-doubt
Lying awake in bed worrying about your children when they’re out late at night instead of home safe in their beds Missing your children when they’ve left the nest to conquer the world on their own
So many feelings (the hard ones the hardest to let go) Pent-up guilt or resentment Inhibitions holding you back
Caring too much what people think of you Not caring enough to take action when action is warranted. Being envious of riches others have
Years ago, when my kids were young, I wanted to write a book called “700 Ways Raising Kids and Dogs are the Same”. I didn’t because it’s already been written.
But as my dogs and children grew old and I progressed in my career, my belief that the same principles for being a good parent, dog owner, and leader became even more steadfast. These are the principles:
Trust is the foundation of everything
Just when you think you have a handle on things, know things will change
If you set clear expectations, it will usually get done, but probably not on your timeline
Food is a great motivator
Treat them equally, but different, and give them your full support
Seek and capitalize on their strengths, instead of focusing on what they can do better
The best ideas come from the most unusual places (in the case of children, never underestimate their creativity or intelligence)
Always be yourself: you can never hide who you truly are—they’ll know
Be present—it’s the best gift you can give them
There is no substitute for love and encouragement
This week’s #HappyAct is show love and encouragement at work and at home (and when all else fails, bribe them with some treats).
A final note on parenting: I read only one parenting book and listened to one audiotape before we had kids. I remember one story about a father trying to get their teenage son to put the garbage out each week. Every week, he’d remind the kid it was garbage day and to put the garbage out. The teenager kept forgetting. Then one day, the kid put the garbage out. When the father looked surprised, the kid said, “What? It’s my job.” The kid put it out every week after.
A few months ago, I was sick as a rabid dog for two weeks with a nasty cold, the second time this year. One of my neighbours asked whether the reason I’ve been sick so much was because my body was finally deregulating after years of accumulated stress from working, and now that I’m retired, I’m more susceptible to colds and flus.
I said no, the reason I get so sick now is I had bronchitis when I was pregnant with Clare, and that compounded with COVID has weakened my immune system for battling chest colds.
I blamed it on Clare.
Blaming your kids for everything from getting sick to having a messy house, to being late for dinner is a rite of passage for parents. It’s one of the reasons we have kids (and dogs for that matter).
If your pristine kitchen looks like a dumpster accident by dinnertime, blame it on the kids.
Missing your favourite Roots hoodie? It must be in that mound of clothing growing like a Chia pet on steroids in your teenager’s closet.
Running late? It’s not your fault. If you didn’t have to remember backpacks, water bottles, extra clothes, toys, and enough snacks to feed an orphanage every time you left the house, you’d be early for that appointment.
Broke? Don’t even worry about making an excuse. Having kids is like attaching a Dyson vacuum directly to your bank account. Everything you own gets sucked into the universe.
You can also blame your kids to your advantage. Say you don’t want to attend a boring family reunion or work party. Make up some excuse about needing to take little Susie or Jimmy to their piano recital or big game, and not only are you forgiven, you are a hero, sacrificing your own fun for your kids.
The great thing about blaming kids is you can even blame them for something they didn’t do today because they probably did it years ago. (This works for spouses too).
Say you’re late for work, and it has nothing to do with your kids. You can still blame it on them. They’ve probably made you late a gazillion times in your lifetime. Go ahead. Blame them with a clear conscience, without compunction or guilt. The little or big cretons deserve it.
There is one thing you should know about blaming everything on your kids. When they become adults, they turn the tables and start blaming everything on you.
This week’s #HappyAct is to play the blame game and have some fun with it. Just don’t blame the messenger. Have a happy week!
If you want to get a feel for a place, spend an afternoon in a city park.
A city park is a refuge, a place to exercise, play, eat, rest, and reflect. It’s a place where neighbours, friends, strangers, and lovers meet. It’s a special place that is often the life and heartbeat of the city and the community.
When I travel, one of the first things I like to do is take a stroll in a city park. Whether it’s Regent Park in London, Central Park in New York, or Stanley Park in Vancouver, I love exploring the meandering paths and watching the people and activity going on.
Gage Park in Hamilton has been my strolling ground lately since we are housesitting for Dave’s sister. Here’s what I’ve observed during my morning walks.
Conversations.
An older couple sit on a bench talking to a homeless man. He shares his experience of living in shelters across the country, from Charlottetown to Saint John to Hamilton. He spends part of every day at the Salvation Army. His voice breaks when he tells a story about being chased by street gangs downtown.
Two young mothers pushing strollers walk briskly, sharing confidences. “I’m always thinking, what can I do tomorrow to keep him entertained so I don’t lose my mind. Where’s me? I feel like I’ve lost me becoming a Mom.” The lament of every young mother. I say to them in my head, “Don’t worry, you’ll find yourself again.”
A man wearing a Toronto Blue Jays hat. He doesn’t think their chances are good this year. We chat about the weather and he asks Siri for the forecast, which is very detailed, chance of showers later in the day with a heat wave blazing toward us by the weekend. He used to work on a chicken farm on Starr’s Island in Port Perry and loves dogs. He takes the bus to the park.
Sights, sounds, and smells.
The fragrant scent of lilacs and peonies and roses and the surprising smell of vinegar in the rose garden.
Birdsong. Robins chirping in the trees. A cardinal singing, brightly welcoming the morning.
Black squirrels with brown tails and grey squirrels with black tails chasing each other around the craggy bark of a Kentucky coffee tree.
Bike bells chiming as a man on a bicycle passes a bunch of kids on scooters.
All ages from all walks of life.
A man in an electric wheelchair whirring around the park blasting out Steely Dan on loud speakers; it’s a Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress on his second tour.
City workers hunched low, pruning and weeding in the rose garden, talking about their plans for the weekend.
A young couple lying on a blanket, their heads resting on their elbows, almost touching, deep in conversation.
Toddlers in blue and pink onesies with hats with brims so wide you can’t tell if they stumble because of their pudgy little legs, or because they can’t see two feet in from of them.
A dog walker with six dogs, four types of doodles (always the doodles), a husky and some kind of German shepherd cross. How do the leashes never get tangled?
A parade of mostly mothers and strollers marching through the park and gathering in a circle under a big oak tree for a yoga class.
An older gentleman dressed nattily in a blue checked short-sleeved shirt, grey dress shorts and socks, black running shoes and a bowler hat, jogging slowly through the park. How does he manage to look so dapper jogging?
Teenagers splashing each other with water from the fountain, screaming and swearing, oblivious to the disapproving looks of the older woman sitting nearby.
That irritating older woman, always on her phone, looking down instead of up.*
This week’s #HappyAct is to take a stroll in your city park and discover the heart of your city.
*Ed. note: To truly experience the sights, sounds, and smells of your stroll, it’s recommended to stay off your phone. I did use my phone to take photos and notes since I have a poor memory. And for those of you with a historical interest: Many of Canada’s grandest city parks were built in the golden age of park development from 1874-1914. Mont Royal Park in Montreal was built in 1874, Stanley Park in 1888, Assiniboine Park in Winnipeg in 1909, and Gage Park in 1922. As cities developed, there was a recognition that people needed access to nature for their physical and mental health. The City Beautiful Movement rose which promoted beautiful public spaces, including buildings, streetscapes and parks.
Do you wish sometimes you never grew up? That you were still a child, with no worries, responsibilities, or never-ending to do lists in your head, just the prospects of a new day of exploratory play and learning?
I found I was mourning the loss of my inner child a bit yesterday when I toured an absolutely amazing facility, the Child Care Centre in Sharbot Lake as part of the 50th anniversary celebrations of Rural Frontenac Community Services. The Centre was founded by my dear friend Audrey Tarasick who served as the Centre’s director for a decade in the 1990s. As part of the celebrations, the Centre dedicated a bench in the playground to Audrey who passed away last year.
As I toured the Centre, I could feel Audrey’s presence in every kiddie cubbyhole, reading nook and painting cranny. There were tiny wood tables and chairs, a big circle carpet with trees and clouds, and toys everywhere. Audrey loved children and she had the unique ability to see the world through a child’s eyes and let children guide their learning by letting them play, explore and take the lead.
I saw artwork and toys and banners with messages like “Learning is messy business,” “Creativity is messy and we are very messy”, and “Every child is an artist”.
It made me wonder why, as adults, we hate mess and seek out organization and structure, and what impact this has on our creativity, happiness, and ability to learn and play?
I bumped into Marcie Webster who has worked with RFCS for 34 years and who remembered me from the days when I brought my two girls to her play groups. She shared a story about one of her first few days at work. A child had mixed some red paint with yellow paint and Marcie had said to the child, “Try not to mix the colours”. Audrey asked her why she told the child that, and Marcie said so the paints would be intact for the next child. Audrey replied, “But the child was exploring and learning like a scientist. Let them learn.”
Early in my career, I worked as a copywriter for an educational toy company, Discovery Toys. Their motto was “Play is a child’s work” and their belief was children learned through exploration and play. Because I had to write about the toys, we would play with them every day. I literally was paid to be creative with the toys and play. It was a great job.
When it came time to take a photo of Audrey’s family on the bench, instead of sitting normally, one of her great-grandsons hung upside down with his legs flopped over the back of the bench (his family later asked him to “sit properly” for an official photo). I snapped a picture of Walt upside down and thought, “Audrey would have loved that.”
This week’s #HappyAct is to break the chains of adulthood and let your inner child lead this week. Just be messy and explore. You’ll never know what you may learn–or how much fun you’ll have doing it.
Photos: Main: Marcie Webster, one of the longest-serving employees at the Child Centre in Sharbot Lake in her EarlyON play group room. Above: Walt having fun and exploring upside down on Great Grandma’s bench.
Happy Act 