It’s that time of the year again when birthday and Christmas lists appear magically on our fridge.
I used to love buying gifts for people. I was raised in a time and in a household where the philosophy of gift giving is very different from what it is today. When the goal was to think of something small, but meaningful. Something the person wasn’t expecting that would be met with delight and showed them you cared.
Somewhere over time, gift giving has been relegated to a sterile exercise of purchase on command. Here is the exact list of items I want. You can buy them at these online sites or stores. Yes, it has to be the Monster Portable Bluetooth Speaker in blue or Coffee and Whiskey candle from Bed Bath and Beyond. No other bluetooth speaker or candle will do. Or just get me a gift card. But it has to be from one of these three stores.
WTF?
I miss the good old days when there was actual joy in shopping and gift giving. But science backs me up.
According to studies conducted by the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California Berkely, gift-giving and choosing the perfect gift creates a “warm glow” effect. When you find and give that perfect gift, it activates pathways in the brain that releases oxytocin, making you feel safe, happy, and connected.
Their research indicates that these effects on the brain are even present in the acts leading up to the actual opening of the gift. “The whole experience of figuring out what to get for someone you love and simply anticipating being in the room with them while they open it activates those same reward pathways and is all part of the joy of gift-giving.”
When you buy an actual gift instead of giving cash or a gift card, it accentuates these feelings of love, compassion and caring. It forces you to might mentally put yourself in another person’s shoes and think about what would make them happy. Scientists call it “cognitive empathy,” and it’s considered to be a key ingredient of compassion.
In his famous 1925 essay, The Gift, Marcel Mauss analyzed the reciprocal gift-giving exercises of societies including Indigenous groups. In the introduction to his groundbreaking work, Mary Douglas summarized his sociological insights on gift-giving: “A gift that does nothing to enhance solidarity is a contradiction.”
These are the reasons I still choose to buy gifts for people. It shows them I care enough to take the time to find something they’ll treasure and creates a shared bond and connection.
My children, who disagree with me say it’s the thought that counts, and you might as well give the person something they really want and will use.
I get that. And I confess I’ve had hits and misses when I deviate from the list. The guitar we surprised Grace with one Christmas when she was a teenager was pure inspiration. But there have been some epic fails too.
So I’ve learned to compromise. There will be some gift cards under the tree this year and that Coffee and Whiskey Bath and Body Works candle on somebody’s list. But I’m happy to scour my mind and the stores in the hopes of finding that perfect gift for that perfect someone.
Happy shopping!
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