Category: relationships

Posted on in community, family, Food and drink, relationships

Throw a surprise party

Four guys at a brewery

There is something to be said about the element of surprise.

Yesterday, I threw a surprise 60th birthday party for Dave at Spearhead Brewing Company in Kingston. It was meant to be a low-key affair since he is still recovering from knee replacement surgery, but it turned out to be a raucous good time with many friends and former co-workers coming out to wish him well, followed by an after-party at our house with some close friends and neighbours.

Our family has a long tradition of holding surprise parties. When I turned 30, Dave and my friend John McMurray conspired to throw a big party at his house in Erin. I thought we were just having a quiet dinner and didn’t even put on any make-up that night, only to walk into a full room of thirty of our closest friends jumping out yelling surprise.

On Dave’s 40th, I rented the downstairs of a restaurant in Kingston and invited all our friends from Toronto and Kingston. There was lots of food, a blow-up doll and I even roped four couples into playing the Newlywed Game. My friend Jill dressed for the occasion in a leopard jacket and thigh-high boots, and I surprised Dave and my brother-in-law Lloyd with tickets to the Grey Cup the next day.

For my 50th, Dave plotted with my boss Julie to throw a big birthday bash at lunch at a restaurant downtown with all my co-workers from Empire Life. It was such a fun time and I even got the afternoon off.

Fast forward another decade (where does the time go?) to yesterday. It was such a special day. Our friend Lorna showed up with snowshoes and Christmas lights on her back since she was walking in the Kingston Santa Claus parade after with the Rideau Trail Club. Dave’s sister and husband, my brother and our cottage neighbour Mark came all the way from Hamilton and Toronto for the party, and there was lots of laughs had, beer drunk, and fish stories told. As Dave said, it was a wonderful intersection of the many cherished friends and connections we’ve made over the years since moving to this area.

The only thing that could have made the day more special was if the girls and their boyfriends could have celebrated with us, but we had a lovely family birthday celebration the week before.

To all our friends who came out to raise a glass with us yesterday, first, I salute you. You brilliantly kept it secret and a surprise, sending texts with good wishes in the morning so Dave wouldn’t suspect a thing. You are the best!

From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for coming and for making Kingston’s newest 60-year sexagenarian who is usually a grump on his birthday a very happy guy.

Photos: (above) our friends Jon and Mark, my brother Don and Dave; Jon is giving me the finger on behalf of Dave for planning a surprise party behind his back.

Below: Our friends Ally and Tony, me, Carolyn and Michael; the gang having a good time–so great to see everyone mingling!; our friend Lorna all lit up for the Kingston Santa Clause parade; Lorna and our friend John’s daughter Maria; Dave and his sister Liz.

Friends drinking beer
People mingling at a bar
Woman with snowshoes lit up with Christmas lights
Woman and a girl with cake
My husband Dave and his sister
Posted on in family, health and wellness, mental health, nature, relationships

Find your anchors in life

Sun shimmering on a lake as seen from a deck

As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to recognize the importance of anchors in life.

An anchor can be a person, a place, a thing, or something you love to do that lifts you up and feeds your soul. It is anything that grounds you or provides comfort or solace during times of trouble.

For a child, an anchor might be a teddy bear or favourite toy. For a widower, it may be a cherished photo of their spouse sitting on their nightstand.

My anchors are living and being in nature, swimming, music, writing, and Dave.

You really know when something is an anchor in your life when it isn’t there. This past week, Dave had his second knee replaced. Thankfully, the surgery went well and he’s now home resting nicely, but he was in far more pain the day of the operation compared to his first knee replacement and they kept him in the hospital overnight.

I returned home to an empty house that night feeling a bit lost and adrift. Dave has always been a big anchor in my life, and I found myself wandering around the house, restless and anxious. I was never so happy to find him doing much better the next day and ready to come home.

Living and spending time in nature is another key anchor for me. In the summer, I know I need to spend at least an hour or two at the lake every day. If I don’t, I get surly. The trees, the sun glimmering on the water, and spending time outdoors are an essential part of my happiness.

Swimming is an extension of this. I remember a particular Saturday two years ago when Dave’s sister was dying of cancer. Dave and I were helping my brother-inlaw at the house and taking turns driving him to the hospital to see MaryAnne. I spent the morning at the hospital, then we drove back to the house, where I did some chores and took their black flat-coated retriever for a walk. We were waiting for one of their kids who had travelled a long distance to arrive before going back to the hospital, and I slipped away for an hour to go for a long swim at Westport Beach. It was what I needed to face the rest of the day which turned out to be the day MaryAnne died.

Over the years, writing has become an anchor for me. I’ve enjoyed sharing my thoughts on happiness on this blog, and now in retirement, I’m excited to tackle many new writing projects.

This week’s #HappyAct is to reflect on and be grateful for the anchors in your life. What are yours? Leave a comment.

Posted on in family, poetry, relationships, retirement

A message to my daughters

Author with her two daughters on a boardwalk

Years ago, when Grace and Clare were little, we used to take them to Great Wolf Lodge in Niagara Falls. It was the perfect overnight getaway. We’d spend two full days in the water park and leave exhausted, waterlogged, and smiling.

On one trip, I bought a picture of a mother bear and two cubs in the gift shop. From that day forward, the three of us became Mama Bear and the two cubs.

Now my two cubs have left the den. My house is quieter, cleaner and more peaceful, but I miss the laughter, kibitzing around the dinner table and talks.

I started a group chat for the three of us and had to smile when Grace renamed it “Mama Bear and the two cubs”. We’ve been sharing pictures of our days, news and updates, and messages.

It was National Daughters Day last week. I’d like to dedicate this week’s #HappyAct to my beautiful daughters, Grace and Clare by sharing this message from the inspirational Judi Dench as told by author Donna Ashworth.

A message to my daughters
“Don’t prioritise your looks my friend, as they won’t last the journey.
Your sense of humour though, will only get better with age.
Your intuition will grow and expand like a majestic cloak of wisdom.
Your ability to choose your battles, will be fine-tuned to perfection.
Your capacity for stillness, for living in the moment, will blossom.
Your desire to live each and every moment will transcend all other wants.
Your instinct for knowing what (and who) is worth your time, will grow and flourish like ivy on a castle wall.
Don’t prioritise your looks my friend,
they will change forevermore, that pursuit is one of much sadness and disappointment.
Prioritise the uniqueness that make you you, and the invisible magnet that draws in other like-minded souls to dance in your orbit.
These are the things which will only get better.”

Judi Dench

Grace and Clare in South Carolina
Grace and Clare beside a lake
Posted on in family, inspiration, relationships, Uncategorized

What I learned from your Mom

Audrey Tarasick

The world lost a beautiful soul this past week. My friend, Audrey Tarasick passed away at the age of 95.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Audrey and wanted to let her four children know how much she meant to me and how much I learned from her. This is what I wrote. Some of it is tongue-in-cheek, but I think Audrey would have liked that. I hope by sharing it, you may learn from Audrey too.

What I learned from your Mom

Always trust a mother’s instincts and intuition
Never be in a hurry if you don’t have to be
Mushrooms are fun, well fun-gi

The strength of a person’s character is not defined by their size
Or how loudly they speak
But by quiet authority, compassion, and caring

Be true to yourself
Forge your own path in life
Don’t worry about what other people think

Any time is a good time for a skinny dip
Listen to children—you can learn much from them
How to make a perfect pie crust

David Attenborough is hot
Scottish country dancing is not
Fairy gardens are weird

Don’t let others tell you what you are capable of or can or can’t do
Love sometimes doesn’t conquer all
The importance of family

A good cup of coffee or glass of wine can cure most ails
Don’t babysit your grandkids; spend time with them instead
How to know the exact moment to sugar off

A love for the rugged stone-cropped landscape of Eastern Ontario
Always make a wide berth around a goose
The art of the country wave

Take time to bathe in the moonlight
Bask in the sunlight (with a hat and sunscreen)
Lounge by the pool

Never stop laughing
Never stop smiling
Never stop

Live life with grace and kindness
Have no regrets
Love unconditionally

Notes and explanations

  • On Audrey’s pie crust: This is a fib. I actually never learned how to make the ultimate pie crust from Audrey and wish I had spent more time in the kitchen with her so I could have, but I enjoyed many, many of her pies
  • On David Attenborough: For the last four decades or more, Audrey lived on her own. I once asked her if she would ever remarry or what type of man might sweep her off her feet. A devout nature lover, she replied without hesitation “David Attenborough”.
  • A note on “fairy gardens are weird”. Audrey loved fairy gardens. At one point, her sunroom was filled with them. I admired her creativity and love for her whimsical creations but I always found them weird and a bit creepy (but that’s just me)!
  • On the art of the country wave: I lived with Audrey the first summer I moved to Eastern Ontario. She went to great lengths to describe the different types of waves when you live in the country. You can read them in my blog post, “A country mile”
  • If you want to learn Audrey’s technique to tell the exact moment to sugar off when making maple syrup, see “Tap into liquid gold”
  • If you’d like to read more about this remarkable woman, see “Spend time with someone older and wiser”
Audrey in her nephew's hot rod

In her nephew’s hot rod at her 95th birthday bash this summer

Five women standing on a dock

Girls’ weekend at the cottage with three generations

Posted on in family, holidays, relationships, travel

When your children become your friends

Clare and Grace and their Uncle Don at a local brew pub

There is a time every parent dreams about and longs for–the moment when your child becomes your friend.

In the early days, the dream is a distant mirage, obscured by dirty diapers, sippy cups, jolly jumpers and sleepless nights.

As the years go by, the dream becomes more tangible and in focus. Your children learn to walk and talk, and before you know it, you are watching them march their chubby little legs up the four or five steps of the school bus on their first day of school.

Years pass and you see their unique personalities and independent spirit emerge. They spread their wings until one day, in a heart-wrenching gut punch, you realize they don’t need you anymore.

But then something wonderful happens. You become friends.

Friends who enjoy spending time together, sharing confidences and conversation, laughter and tears. A friend who you know will always love you and who will be there for you no matter what.

The best type of friend possible.

It’s a beautiful thing.

Dedicated to my new best friends and lovely but whacky daughters Grace and Clare. Here are some pictures of all of us from this past weekend on a family trip to Cooperstown, New York with their boyfriends and my brother Don.

My daughters at the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown New York

Top: tasting the local wares at Woodland Farm Brewery outside of Utica with their Uncle Don
Above: At the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY

Guy holding plaque that says as far as people know we're just a normal family

Devon holding a plaque that says “Remember as far as anyone knows, we’re a normal family”

Boy and girl on a bridge overlooking a river

Clare and Kaden in Little Falls, New York

Our family at the Baseball Hall of Fame

All of us in front of the Baseball Hall of Fame. We’re already talking about where we’re planning to go next year.

Ed note: For more on Cooperstown, read Ray Dorey’s guest blog, Make a pilgrimage to Cooperstown

Posted on in family, photography, relationships, work

Celebrating life’s milestones

Author's daughter receiving her high school graduation diploma

It’s always a lovely moment when you get to celebrate a special milestone in a person’s life. Whether it’s a graduation, wedding or retirement party, it’s an honour and privilege to share their special day and celebrate their achievements and accomplishments.

This past week we attended three celebrations, the retirement party of someone I had worked with for almost three decades, Clare’s high school graduation and a pre-prom gathering with some parents to take photos of our kids before they headed out for their big night on the town.

Each celebration left me smiling and feeling joyous. My friend Edward’s retirement was a gathering of old friends and co-workers. We were all so genuinely happy for Edward and it was wonderful to see so many friendly faces I hadn’t seen in some time.

My favourite part of retirement celebrations is always watching the reactions and expressions on the faces of the children of the person retiring as they realize their parent is more than just their dorky Mom or Dad, but an accomplished professional, beloved by their co-workers.

This wasn’t the case for Edward since three of his four kids actually worked at our company for a period of time, but it was still nice to see them all there honouring their Dad.

The next celebration was Thursday afternoon, when hundreds of proud parents gathered in our local high school auditorium to watch our kids receive their high school diplomas.

It was the 150th graduation ceremony of Sydenham High School, and while we knew parents and students had stood before us for the past 149 years, we still felt like our kids were the most special of all, having survived COVID, octomesters (ours was one of the few high schools during COVID where the students took one course, 6 hours a day), and more.

The third milestone was watching this same group of kids get ready for prom. The girls were stunning in their long dresses and up-dos, and the boys donned their best black suits. We all snapped photo after photo as they posed with their friends and boyfriends, without a care in the world, for one day at least, before heading out for the formal dinner and dance. If your heart could pound out of your chest with pride, it did yesterday for us parents.

This week’s #HappyAct is to cherish and celebrate the milestones in your life. There are a few more milestones ahead for our household this summer. Soon we’ll be empty nesters as Clare goes off to university this fall, and I’m retiring fully in August to join Dave.

Clare and her friends toasting on the dock
Clare and her friends dressed up before prom on the dock
Clare and her boyfriend dressed up for prom
Posted on in inspiration, lifestyle, relationships

Dave and Laurie’s High School Reunion

Me and my friend John Chong at my high school reunion

This past weekend, Dave and I attended our high school reunion. It had been 41 years since we graduated and I was looking forward to catching up with old friends.

Dave was a harder sell. Dave has this theory that only successful people go to reunions. The last time we went to a high school reunion, Dave swiped the name tag of some guy named Harry who graduated a decade earlier and told everyone he was a lawyer.

A bit of back story. Dave and I met in high school. He moved to Port Credit in Grade 10 and was one of six Daves in my Grade 10 history class with Mr. Gatto (I can still name all six Daves to this day). He asked me out skating in Grade 10 and even though I liked him, I turned him down because I had just got a bad perm that day and was too embarrassed to go out. We ended up friends, started dating after university, and the rest, they say is history.

Back to the reunion. A bunch of us met up at a local bar on the Friday night and it was as if no time had passed. Even though we had all aged, our personalities hadn’t changed a bit.

There were your fair share of success stories–people who ran their own businesses, and led interesting life journeys or had exciting careers, but there were some sad stories as well, friends who had experienced loss or challenges. Many had a parent who had recently passed away or who was suffering from dementia.

We shared laughs, told stories and enjoyed catching up on each other’s lives.

What struck me the most though was just how privileged we were to have grown up in such a well-to-do neighbourhood and to attend a high school that offered incredible opportunities, including a full music program, outdoor trips and extracurricular opportunities.

As we exchanged numbers, texts and photos, I left feeling grateful–grateful for being able to share this special time in our lives with these wonderful people.

I know we all won’t necessarily keep in touch, but I hope some of us at least can make some more memories together someday soon.

Here are some of my favourite pics from the weekend.

group of people at a bar
Dave and three of his buddies
Me and my friend Mark
My friends Doug, Derek and Pravin
rock band on stage

My buddies playing in one of the bands at the talent show

me in front of my athlete of the year picture

Me in front of my “Athlete of the Year” picture (note the bad perm in the photo)

Posted on in community, family, global relations, health and wellness, mental health, relationships, science of happiness, Technology and social media

Happier Together

child smiling in Kinshasa

This Wednesday, March 20 is the International Day of Happiness. The day was declared by the UN in 2012 to recognize that happiness is a fundamental human right and to encourage nations and individuals to spread happiness and make happiness a priority.

The theme the UN has chosen this year is #HappierTogether. Here is a picture from their photo album of people from all over the world smiling, happier together.

It’s such a poignant theme. As individuals and societies, we’ve withdrawn from human connection, partly out of necessity from COVID-19, but also self-imposed.

Technology has only exacerbated this trend. We delude ourselves into thinking we’re more connected now by cell phones and technology, but these devices have somehow divided us, becoming platforms for discordant voices and viewpoints or have become something we hide behind instead of doing the real work of connecting with people in person.

Even our work lives have become more isolating with millions of workers now not even leaving their homes to experience human connection.

There are certain groups that are at higher risk of being unhappy in isolation, seniors and youth being two critical demographics.

After COVID, I blogged about “languishing” and wondering why I wasn’t chomping at the bit to get out and reconnect with people again. I concluded that it wasn’t because I had social anxiety and didn’t miss people, I just didn’t have the energy to re-enter the world.

It’s time. Time for us to reach out, be kind to each other, and understand that without human connection, most of us will never truly be happy.

It’s time to find the energy and make a conscious effort to be happier together.

This week’s #HappyAct is to do something to be happier together. Volunteer in your community, invite a neighbour over for a drink, check in on a senior. Post a picture of you smiling this week with people who make you happy and who you enjoy spending time with.

Happy International Day of Happiness!

My family smiling and acting goofy
Posted on in community, inspiration, mental health, relationships

The High Beams Story

quote "Give compassion, every day the average person fights epic battles never told just to survive"

If I had one wish for 2024, it would be for the world to be more compassionate.

Yesterday when we were driving to Cobourg for hockey, there was a person driving a bit erratically. As we passed them on the highway, I looked over, expecting to see someone on their phone and noticed they looked distressed.

 

We started talking about a post we’d seen on our local community Facebook group about high beams. Someone posted an apology to people driving on the highway the night before, saying they just had their new car in for servicing and something happened and they couldn’t unlock their high beams so they were blinding everyone on the drive home. Apparently it’s a known issue with a certain make and model of car.

 

I can only imagine how many people that night were cursing under their breath, calling them an a**hole and worse, thinking they were doing it on purpose or were just a bad driver.

 

It’s a good reminder that you never know what is going on in a person’s life and to be compassionate.

 

So the next time someone is short with you or does something that ticks you off, remember they may be having a bad day or fraught with worry, or something else may be going on that deserves your compassion instead of your censure.

 

Remember the high beams story.

Posted on in community, family, holidays, relationships

The greatest gift of all

Fishing trophy

Like many fathers, my Dad wasn’t exactly into Christmas. After my Mom passed away, he’d decorate the house by putting one teensy weensy bow above the fireplace, declare to anyone in the room who was listening “Festive, ain’t it?”, then promptly fix himself a rye and ginger.

Every year when we asked Dad, “What do you want for Christmas?”, his response was always the same: “just the love of you kids around me” (and a six-pack of beer).

Fast forward twenty years, and Dad’s words were echoing in my head throughout the day yesterday. We hosted our annual gathering of the neighbours. There was lots of smiles, laughs, and good cheer even though there was less to be cheerful about this year, singing, sharing of food and drink and enough presents to fill up Grinch’s sleigh.

Our neighbours Kim and Bruno gave us one of the best Christmas presents ever: a custom fish trophy made with Bruno’s 3-D printer, four identical lures, one for Dave, Clare, Grace and me and a year-long fishing tournament challenge: to see who could catch the most fish with the tried and true Berkley Flicker Shad 7. What a wonderful gift: a year of fun on the water and friendly jibes to see who is the best fisherperson in our family.

Not to be outdone, my neighbour Charlene gave us a wonderful gift basket but in it was my second favourite present ever: a mug that says “Most people never get to meet their favourite player—I’m raising mine”. Charlene always picks out the perfect mug or cup for us every year.

Our cottage neighbours brought some beautiful gifts as well, but their best gift was when their son Daniel sat down on the piano and played Chopin and Christmas tunes as the kids sang along.

As I sip my coffee this morning in my new mug, and dream about the first warm days when the ice is out and I can make my first cast in the soft light of the morning, I think my Dad was right. The greatest gift of all is having the love and laughter of the people you care about around you.

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

coffee mug with saying on it
some of my wonderful neighbours
some of my wonderful neighbours
young man playing the piano and young boy singing