If I had one wish for 2024, it would be for the world to be more compassionate.
Yesterday when we were driving to Cobourg for hockey, there was a person driving a bit erratically. As we passed them on the highway, I looked over, expecting to see someone on their phone and noticed they looked distressed.
We started talking about a post we’d seen on our local community Facebook group about high beams. Someone posted an apology to people driving on the highway the night before, saying they just had their new car in for servicing and something happened and they couldn’t unlock their high beams so they were blinding everyone on the drive home. Apparently it’s a known issue with a certain make and model of car.
I can only imagine how many people that night were cursing under their breath, calling them an a**hole and worse, thinking they were doing it on purpose or were just a bad driver.
It’s a good reminder that you never know what is going on in a person’s life and to be compassionate.
So the next time someone is short with you or does something that ticks you off, remember they may be having a bad day or fraught with worry, or something else may be going on that deserves your compassion instead of your censure.
Like many fathers, my Dad wasn’t exactly into Christmas. After my Mom passed away, he’d decorate the house by putting one teensy weensy bow above the fireplace, declare to anyone in the room who was listening “Festive, ain’t it?”, then promptly fix himself a rye and ginger.
Every year when we asked Dad, “What do you want for Christmas?”, his response was always the same: “just the love of you kids around me” (and a six-pack of beer).
Fast forward twenty years, and Dad’s words were echoing in my head throughout the day yesterday. We hosted our annual gathering of the neighbours. There was lots of smiles, laughs, and good cheer even though there was less to be cheerful about this year, singing, sharing of food and drink and enough presents to fill up Grinch’s sleigh.
Our neighbours Kim and Bruno gave us one of the best Christmas presents ever: a custom fish trophy made with Bruno’s 3-D printer, four identical lures, one for Dave, Clare, Grace and me and a year-long fishing tournament challenge: to see who could catch the most fish with the tried and true Berkley Flicker Shad 7. What a wonderful gift: a year of fun on the water and friendly jibes to see who is the best fisherperson in our family.
Not to be outdone, my neighbour Charlene gave us a wonderful gift basket but in it was my second favourite present ever: a mug that says “Most people never get to meet their favourite player—I’m raising mine”. Charlene always picks out the perfect mug or cup for us every year.
Our cottage neighbours brought some beautiful gifts as well, but their best gift was when their son Daniel sat down on the piano and played Chopin and Christmas tunes as the kids sang along.
As I sip my coffee this morning in my new mug, and dream about the first warm days when the ice is out and I can make my first cast in the soft light of the morning, I think my Dad was right. The greatest gift of all is having the love and laughter of the people you care about around you.
A couple of years ago, a friend of mine asked her Facebook friends to send her a Christmas card. She was a new Mom, isolated at home in a small Western town during a pandemic, desperate to have something to look forward to every day. I was happy to add her to my Christmas mailing list and now send her a card and our family newsletter every year.
Very few people still send Christmas cards in the mail. I think that’s sad. There’s something special about getting a card in the mail, especially at this time of the year.
Even though the number of cards we get each year is dwindling, I look forward with anticipation to reading each card and note, seeing the kids’ school photos or family holiday photo, and catching up on all the news from friends who live far away who aren’t on social media.
This week’s #HappyAct is to kick it old school and send a traditional Christmas card. It might just make someone’s day.
I walked into the bathroom the other day and found two toilet paper rolls sitting on the counter with cartoonish frowny faces and the words “Recycle me” drawn on them. The one toilet paper character looked like it was giving me the finger.
I did the only logical thing, which was to take another toilet paper roll, cut it in half and make two little toilet paper roll children with the words “Mama” and “Dada” on them.
These are the types of love notes you send after 31 years of marriage.
Next weekend, Dave and I will celebrate our 31st wedding anniversary. In a funny twist of fate, we’ll be spending it up north at the same cottage we spent our honeymoon before going to Algonquin Park to see Grace.
I wish I had some brilliant insights about marriage but I don’t. After 31 years of marriage, I truly believe it’s a crap shoot whether people stay together or split up. We’ve just been lucky at crap.
The one thing I will say and they don’t tell you in marriage courses is marriage changes over time.
You start out madly in love and lust, then become each other’s best friends as you begin to build a life together. Children rock your world and your relationship takes second string as you focus on raising your kids.
You learn to live with each other’s foibles and idiosyncracies and intimately know each other’s aches and pains, regrets and dreams.
But if you’re lucky, you still wake up every morning not being able to imagine going through life without that person by your side, sharing a laugh or two, and planning your next adventure together.
Just make sure you recycle the toilet paper rolls and put the seat down before heading out.
I’m fine and Dave and the girls are fine, but there are just too many people I care about that are getting kicked in the teeth by life right now. It’s making me feel overwhelmed and helpless.
So what can you do when your happiness is being crushed by a heavy heart?
Hug your loved ones and tell them you love them every day.
Have a good cry if you need to.
Be grateful for friends, family, and the people who will be there when you need them most.
Try to find solace in the smallest joys and moments.
And bake a lot of banana bread*.
My heavy heart goes out to all of you right now, you know who you are.
*The banana bread reference is a funny story worth sharing to end this week’s blog with a smile, even if it is a sad smile. When my sister-in-law MaryAnne was sick, I brought food over every week for her and Mac. Their wonderful neighbours in Westport also dropped off meals and baked goods regularly. One day when I showed up with soup and some cookies, Mac said “As long as it isn’t another f**kin banana bread!”
Sometimes, when life is a blur, I like to look back on my camera roll to remind me of all the things I’ve done in the past month. It reminds me that no matter how busy and tired I am, I’m blessed to live such a full life, filled with good friends, good food, people who love me no matter what, and lots of fond memories. Here are some of my favourite pictures from my camera roll this month.
What’s on your camera roll? Tell me about your favourite photos in the comments.
Pictured above: We had Dave’s Dad visiting us last week and we went for a drive up to Wheeler’s Pancake House for breakfast. If you’ve never tried their maple breakfast sausages, they are definitely worth the drive!
This is my friend Audrey. We went to the Frontenac Women’s Chorus spring concert and Audrey won the door prize, this beautiful herb basket!
These are my friends Steve and Katie. They’re getting married in June and I went to their stag and doe. Here they are feeding each other cupcakes blindfolded.
We love dog visitors and one of our favourites, Rip came to stay with us for a few days this month. It’s also been great having Grace home.
One night after work last week I stopped by to drop off my seedlings fundraiser money to my friends Helen and Roger. Roger gave me a tour of his beautiful gardens.
This weekend, Clare competed in a hockey tournament in Kingston. She played six games in three days. They took home silver.
I once read the greatest thing you can do for your children is to give them roots and wings.
Roots where there is…
People who love them unconditionally
A shoulder to cry on
Food in the fridge
A hug to share
Doggies to cuddle with
Respite from the daily stresses of life
A sympathetic ear
…no matter how messy their room is
Wings to…
Venture out on their own
Race down mountains on skis
Swim across lakes
And win face-offs at centre ice
Set their own study and work schedules
Discover what they’re good at
Make their own decisions and mistakes
And tackle the world on their own terms
…even if it means worrying and sleepness nights
To my beautiful girls Grace and Clare, I’m so proud of you. It has been a privilege to watch you find your wings and soar. Know we’ll always be here for you.
What if I told you the secret to happiness and success is a line and a number?
The line is called the Losada line and the number is 2.9013 which is the ratio of positive to negative interactions you need to have to be happy and successful. Simply put, you need to have at least three positive interactions to every negative one to be happy.
The Losada line and ratio came out of a study done in 2005 by two psychologists, Marcial Losada and Barbara Fredrickson who analyzed the interactions of management teams and how successful they were. The mathematical formula they used was subsequently challenged and discredited by some experts, but many psychologists still cite their work and adopt the principles of the Losada line in sport, business, and to help individuals achieve positive mental health.
They found if teams generate more than 2.9013 positive feelings, emotions or interactions to every 1 negative feeling, emotion or interaction, the team has positive energy needed to feel good about themselves and flourish. A 5:1 ratio is a culture everyone wants to be part of. Teams below the Losada line of 2.9013 have a deteriorating culture, and at 0.73 to 1, the team culture destructs.
In another study, Dr. John Gottman looked at similar research in marriages. Gottman claims he can predict divorce with 90% accuracy by counting the number of positive versus negative interactions a couple has.
In marriage, the magic ratio is 5:1 (why the ratio is higher in marriage is an interesting question, presumably because marriage is hard and there are two individuals’ happiness at stake!)
Happy couple have at least 5 positive interactions for every negative one. You can read more about Gottman’s study and the types of positive interactions between happy couples here.
This week’s #HappyAct is to take the personal positivity test and strive to increase your personal to negative interactions to 3:1 or higher. Gottman also has a quiz on his website called “How Well Do You Know Your Partner” (note you have to provide your email address to get the results emailed to you but a summary pops up on the screen as soon as you provide your email).
And don’t worry if you score low initially on the personal positivity test. I expected to because I’m at home nursing a broken ankle right now. Think of it more as a check in with how you’re feeling, then start working towards improving your positive interactions and on a path to better mental health and happiness.
The neighbour’s annual Christmas holiday gathering 2021
Last week after I wrote my blog, I went for a nice walk in the snow to look for the eagles that soar over our lake this time of year. I slipped on a slight skiff of snow on ice and fell and broke my ankle. Two trips to the hospital, one surgery, a cast and crutches later, I’m now staring down 6-8 weeks of sitting on my couch with all our holiday plans scuppered.
As the week wore on, we started getting calls and texts from neighbours who said they were planning to pop by with food. Not just food, full meals of pork roast and potatoes, Morroccan chicken with salad, pulled pork, beef brisket, ribs and chicken wings and treats and wine. We have enough food in the fridge now to last until Christmas without having to cook a meal!
We’ve always been blessed with best neighbours. As a kid growing up in Port Credit, our neighbourhood and the people in it were our entire world. All the neighbourhood kids hung out together playing street hockey in the winter and baseball in the summer. The Moms of the Neighbourhood were a powerful posse, watching over and taking care of us. On the one hand, it was great. If you needed help–you could knock on any door, but the downside was there were about 25 other parents watching your every move who could get you in trouble!
I appreciated this amazing group of women even more as a teenager when my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. For seven years, they visited, brought us food and helped drive my Mom to appointments, and then doing the same for my father after she passed away.
In 1995, Dave and I made a huge leap of faith and moved to a small farmhouse outside of the village of Sydenham where we didn’t know a soul. Our first two sets of neighbours were a family of sheep farmers and a single guy, a military communications officer named Kramer.
Kramer was like the Kramer of Seinfeld fame with a big personality and a big heart, but with a lot less hair. He would show up at our door out of the blue with a whiskey bottle in hand or come for dinner, and stay until the wee hours of the morning. We’d push him out the back door, watching him stumble and weave across the lawn in the moonlight and up the steps until he was home safe.
On the other side of us was a lovely family of five called the Orsers. They too became fast friends and we’d visit back and forth, especially during lambing season when Dave and I would spend hours in their barn, petting and holding the baby lambs. During the ice storm of ’98 when we lost power for two days, Neil and Pat and the kids all bunked down at our house since we had a wood stove.
When Kramer moved to the Wasaga Beach area, we said our sad goodbyes and welcomed new neighbours into our midst: a young couple by the name of Jeff and Karrie. Jeff and Karrie became some of our closest friends. It was Jeff who found our beloved cat Angus dead, hit by a car on the road and gently put him in a box and broke the news to us when we came home from work. It was Jeff and Karrie who babysat Grace for the first time, giving us our first afternoon out as new parents. They live in Edmonton now—our kids are all grown up, but we still keep in touch.
When we made the move from Sydenham to Verona, we thought the same thing: there is no way we’ll ever have such great neighbours, but yet again, we were wrong. Our one neighbour Mark Berry reminded me so much of my Dad who had passed away just after we moved into our beautiful lakefront property.
Mark was the inventor of the “unbirthday party”. He’d putter over to our house on his tractor bearing gifts for us and the kids “just because”. His dog Buddy became best friends with our border collie, even sleeping some nights on our deck in our lawn chairs in the summer. We were very sad when he moved back to Toronto to be closer to his children.
Fast forward to today, when once again we have the best neighbours ever. Through the years, our little tight-knit community has grown even closer. Whether it’s popping by for a drink, getting together to celebrate one of the kids’ birthdays next door, graduation celebrations, Canada Day fireworks, or our Christmas Eve tradition of gathering at one of our houses, our time spent together has become some of my favourite memories here on the lake.
They’ve become extended family, and have been a huge life support for us, especially this year. I honestly don’t know what we would have done without them.
So thanks my dear friends and neighbours, for your love and support, friendship and all the delicious food that is now overspilling from my fridge. I look forward to sharing many more precious memories in the years ahead with my favourite neighbours, the best neighbours in the world!
Clare trick or treating with the neighbours’ kids this year
Is it just me, or does it feel like nobody takes the high road anymore?
Last week, I was out for my lunchtime walk, and I came across an altercation at the local high school. There was an older student on the one side of the road screaming at two kids across the road. The language was deplorable but it was the intensity and hatred that made me stop in my tracks.
I wasn’t sure whether I should intervene, or just mind my own business and keep walking. I was concerned it could escalate into something far more serious. I hesitated for about half a minute, then walked up to the girl who was yelling and swearing and her friends, asking if there was a problem and whether I could help.
The girl glared at me and said, “Those two have been staring at me non-stop for the past three days. They needed to be put in their place.” She had other choice words for the two kids that I won’t repeat here.
Now, I don’t know what transpired between these two groups of kids, and I know it’s high school, but I will say this whole incident really disturbed me.
First, I can tell you I never once spoke to anyone like that in high school. Sure, there were cliques and kids who didn’t like each other and didn’t get along, but you mainly stuck with your own friends and avoided them. No one ever stood in a street and hurled vitriole and swear words at the top of their lungs for the whole world to witness.
Second, this girl said these kids had been “staring” at her for the past three days. If that was their biggest crime, I can only imagine how this girl will cope some day when she experiences real conflict at home, with her friends or in the workplace.
I think what upset me the most though was this girl thought it was OK to act and speak like that. In fact, not only did she defend herself and her actions, she took pride in her response, saying someone had to stand up to them, they deserved it.
I just couldn’t stop thinking, if this is what our kids think is normal and acceptable behaviour, what hope do we have as a society of being kind to each other and battling the divisiveness that seems to be permeating our culture?
To me, it’s simple. You never know what people are dealing with in their lives. That’s why you should always take the high road and turn the other cheek.
It comes down to two basic tenets: treat others with kindness and respect.
This week’s #HappyAct is to always take the high road. Have a kind week.
Happy Act 