- Kim Kardashian and Kanye West and Donald and Melania Trump will divorce. Kanye and Trump will shack up together in the White House and become the new “it“ power couple, The Donkan, which sounds a lot like donkey
- Justin Trudeau will become the host of a new TV news program, “Joint, Counterjoint” where he and his guests will get high each week while solving the world’s problems
- My dogs will get off the couch before 11 a.m.
- Justin Bieber will post a picture on Instagram where he is actually smiling
- One of our chickens will lay 8 eggs at once, creating an new internet sensation, Octochick and getting Clare into the Guinness Book of World Records
- Fifth Harmony will become Fourth Discord—wait, that one’s come true
- One freaky Friday, teenagers all over the world will morph into the pig-like creatures they post on Snapchat
- Beyonce will score big with her next hit release, Orange Juice
- Our friend Jack Patch will become obscenely rich from inventing the newest social media craze, Assbook (happy birthday, Jack!)
- Hit reality show The Bachelor will experience its lowest ratings ever in January from choosing despicable Nick, and be pressured by fans in Batchelor Nation to change the show’s name to The Loser
There you have it. My top predictions for 2017. What are your predictions or New Year’s resolutions for 2017? Happy New Year everyone!