Conversations with an 11-year old

reflection of girl in window

My 11-year old is one of the funniest, coolest people I know. She’s more comfortable in her own skin than most 40-year olds.

Here’s a compilation of conversations with Clare over the past week.

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This kid Austin in her class tells her he’s planning a big summer blowout. It’s in 2019. Austin brought in a list for all his classmates to bring to the party. The list went something like this: bow and arrow, swan and pink flamingo floaties, Sunny D, chicken nuggets, and beer. Did I mention they are 11? Now that’s a party.

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We’re driving in the car one morning, and there’s a news story about a NHL player who’s back playing after being injured. Now when injured players return, the NHL allows them to wear “red shirts” which means no contact.

I say to Clare, “Wow, isn’t that fantastic—I think that’s new, I don’t remember the NHL doing that before.”

Clare says, “What’s new for you Mom is 10 years old. What’s new for me is a few months old.”

Then a jingle comes on the radio for an adult fun store in Kingston. She starts singing along, then stops and says, “It’s really sad I’m singing to this right now.”

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I ask her what time we need to be at her volleyball tournament. I say, “Okay, let’s leave at 7:45.”

She says, “No, let’s make it a quarter to eight.”

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Clare asks if we can watch a movie. I say, “Can I choose the movie for a change?” Clare says, “As long as it’s not a chick flick or some old person’s movie.” Her favourite movie right now is Deadpool.

Her favourite line is “That’s why Regina rhymes with fun.”

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She recites the full lyrics to Salt n Pepa’s Shoop at least three times a day.

Bright as the sun, I wanna have some fun
Come and give me some of that yum-yum
Chocolate chip, honey dip, can I get a scoop?
Baby, take a ride in my coupe, you make me wanna
Shoop shoop ba-doop (Baby, hey)

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Then she lays a Yo Mamma’s joke on me.

“Yo Mama’s sooooo fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.”

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I’m trying to convince her we should visit the Diefenbunker museum when we’re in Ottawa.

She says, “Mom, I don’t learn about history. I make history.”

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It’s 9 o’clock and we’re playing HQ Trivia. Clare is sitting beside me. I bug everyone in the house to join in so we have a shot at winning. Third question, and I know the answer, but Clare is yelling in my ear the wrong answer and I tell her to be quiet.

She leaves in a huff and says, “You know Mom, sometimes with you, it’s damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”

She knows me so well.

At least it’s nice having a kid in the house that will actually talk to me.

This week’s #HappyAct is to have a conversation with a cool 11-year old. Mine’s free if you want a kid for a week.

Clare shooting a bow and arrow
Clare practicing her archery for Austin’s big summer blowout
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What a joke

trump hell toupeeThanks to our holidays, killing time in the car and Donald Trump, I’ve heard lots of great jokes lately. Joke telling is a dying art, unless you’re a late night talk show host or you’re an internet joke junkie. My Dad used to be a great joke teller. I don’t have his gift, but luckily I do have one good friend who still loves to tell a good joke and make us all giggle.

Here are some giggles to make you smile this week. And in the interest of full disclosure, some of these were told to me by my kids or kids we met in campgrounds, so they might be a bit corny.

How is a wife like a hand grenade?
Remove the ring and your house is gone

What day does an egg fear most?
Friday

How did Captain Hook die?
He got distracted and wiped his bum with the wrong hand

What’s the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman

Here are some Donald Trump jokes. He started out as a joke, now he’s the joke, but the joke will be on us if he wins (shudder).

What instrument does Donald Trump play?
The trumpet

Why is it impossible to finish a Donald Trump biography?
Because every page goes back to Chapter 11

How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?
Juan by Juan

What airline does Donald Trump aspire to fly?
Hair Force One

Whats Donald Trump’s favorite nation?
Discrimination.

And finally for the kids going back to school…

Teacher: “Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?”
Students: “Eggs!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?”
Students: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Students: “Homework!”

This week’s #HappyAct is to tell a joke and bring a smile to someone’s day. I’ll end with this one on this week’s Happy Act:

“They say money doesn’t buy you happiness. Still, it’s always better to verify things for yourself.”