Retirement: a man’s perspective

Man with a big fish

Special guest blog by Dave Swinton

Retirement has been a difficult transition for me. I’m coming up on two years now and I still haven’t adjusted as well as some people do. I was sitting this afternoon, watching the rain pelt against the window obscuring a grey fall transition to winter, when it hit me.

Nobody needs me anymore.

I was always in middle management in my career. Always giving vague direction and punishing people for not reading my mind as the old Dilbert cartoon used to read. My specialty was putting out fires. People came to me looking for answers and I tried my best to write a plan on a cocktail napkin and hope it worked well enough to fool my superiors. 

My days were an endless mix of planning, timesheets, scheduling, maintenance and finding the best ways to get the most out of each and every person who worked for me. I loved being needed at work even if I didn’t always love the work itself. Fast forward two years later and the only decisions I have to make are which trail to walk the dog on and what we are having for supper. Work doesn’t need me anymore.

My kids certainly don’t need me either. Both are out living their lives, one almost finished university (so proud) and looking at where she will end up next, the other knee-deep studying whatever biochemistry is. Except for rare conversations about new musical groups (Red Clay Strays and Tyler Childers) and the odd supper, they are completely and utterly embracing their own lives. No more rides to a remote hockey rink on a snowy winter road, no more conversations asking for advice on relationships. They don’t need me anymore.

Honestly the only person who even tolerates me is my life partner. Truthfully, I think if she had to pick between me and the dog, we all know who would win. Bookending Monday badminton and Tuesday line dancing is Friday writing groups and Saturday stock sport tournaments. She has embraced retirement with gusto and I am glad for this. She doesn’t need me anymore.

All the influencers talking about retirement being the golden age should have their heads examined. For some, retirement is a time to worry, to wander aimlessly trying to find direction and meaning in their lives, all the while wondering if their investments will support them until they leave this earthly abode. 

I know that some of you are saying to yourself, what does he have to whine about? Lives on a lake, semi-good looking, gorgeous wife, yada, yada, yada but for some, myself included, the emptiness from not being needed outweighs all aspects in life.

Tread well into retirement my friends, sometimes it’s not all as advertised.

And if you see a white Dodge Cummins diesel with a 30-foot trailer rolling down the 401 at a buck twenty, festooned with Kingston BMW logos on it, know that someone is still depending on me to deliver a car that is worth more than my last annual salary. I guess someone still needs me……….

More on retirement

Hit delete

Picture of globe and words "Delete one thing from Earth that you think would make it better"

I read a post on Twitter the other day that asked if you could delete one thing from earth that would make it better, what would you delete?

As always with the internet, the answers were fascinating and insightful.

Three old men destroying the world with pictures of Putin Trump and Netanyahu
Mosquito biting a man
Evolution of man saying "Go back we fucked up everything"
Woody and Buzz from Toy Story saying "Assholes, Assholes, Everywhere"

Some people said racism, social media, war, hatred.

Still more: fossil fuels, lies, nuclear weapons, cell phones.

One person said, “The necessity of money to survive”.

I laughed at the guy who said, “Beers, I’ve been trying to delete them one at a time.”

It made me wonder, if you could delete one thing from your own life, what would it be?

Fake it til you make it

Cartoon with four ducks and a rubber duckie saying Fake it til you make it

Dave asked me a funny question the other day. He asked what my followers are called.

Gaga has her little monsters. Taylor Swift has her Swifties.

Now I realize my little blog isn’t exactly on the same scale as these music legends, but it got me to thinking my followers deserve a moniker too, so I’ve decided to call you, my loyal readers, The Happy Actors.

There is something to be said for faking it til you make it, or in this case, pretending to be happy to achieve happiness.

In fact, in response to last week’s blog on what people’s personal mantras were, a friend of mine who was away replied hers was “Fake it til you make it”. She said,You probably know more than you give yourself credit for. At work, in other situations, smile and give it your best shot and you’ll probably do just fine!”

I believe the same applies to happiness to an extent. If you pretend you’re happy, you are far more likely to achieve happiness.

Here’s my theory. When we pretend we’re happy, our mood is lighter and our brain is tricked into seeing things in a more positive light. We are apt to be open to new things, and take in the beauty and goodness around us. Through this mindset and our actions, we become happier.

American philosopher and psychologist William James first propounded this theory in the late 1800s, believing that our behaviours create our emotions. Known as the theory of pragmatism, it touts that the practical consequences of ideas and actions evolve through our experiences and interactions with the world. Truths are not fixed, and through our actions, we can find meaning and happiness if we choose.

This week’s #HappyAct is to conduct a little experiment: on a day when you might be feeling a bit down, pretend for the whole day you’re happy, then report back on whether you actually felt happier or had a happy day.

Until next time my Happy Actors.

How long does it take to let go

picture of waves at a beach and the words, "One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can't change"

How long does it take to let go of…

A career spanning decades
Accumulated stress from years of working
Secrets from your past

A relationship that drains you instead of filling your cup
Regrets, many or few
Self-doubt

Lying awake in bed worrying about your children when they’re out late at night instead of home safe in their beds
Missing your children when they’ve left the nest to conquer the world on their own

So many feelings (the hard ones the hardest to let go)
Pent-up guilt or resentment
Inhibitions holding you back

Caring too much what people think of you
Not caring enough to take action when action is warranted.
Being envious of riches others have

Bitterness
Grief and loss
The past

The timeline is up to you.

Read more: Let it go

Stroll in a city park

trees and path in park

If you want to get a feel for a place, spend an afternoon in a city park.

A city park is a refuge, a place to exercise, play, eat, rest, and reflect. It’s a place where neighbours, friends, strangers, and lovers meet. It’s a special place that is often the life and heartbeat of the city and the community.

When I travel, one of the first things I like to do is take a stroll in a city park. Whether it’s Regent Park in London, Central Park in New York, or Stanley Park in Vancouver, I love exploring the meandering paths and watching the people and activity going on.

Gage Park in Hamilton has been my strolling ground lately since we are housesitting for Dave’s sister. Here’s what I’ve observed during my morning walks.

Conversations.

An older couple sit on a bench talking to a homeless man. He shares his experience of living in shelters across the country, from Charlottetown to Saint John to Hamilton. He spends part of every day at the Salvation Army. His voice breaks when he tells a story about being chased by street gangs downtown.

Two young mothers pushing strollers walk briskly, sharing confidences. “I’m always thinking, what can I do tomorrow to keep him entertained so I don’t lose my mind. Where’s me? I feel like I’ve lost me becoming a Mom.” The lament of every young mother. I say to them in my head, “Don’t worry, you’ll find yourself again.”

A man wearing a Toronto Blue Jays hat. He doesn’t think their chances are good this year. We chat about the weather and he asks Siri for the forecast, which is very detailed, chance of showers later in the day with a heat wave blazing toward us by the weekend. He used to work on a chicken farm on Starr’s Island in Port Perry and loves dogs. He takes the bus to the park.

Sights, sounds, and smells.

The fragrant scent of lilacs and peonies and roses and the surprising smell of vinegar in the rose garden.

Birdsong. Robins chirping in the trees. A cardinal singing, brightly welcoming the morning.

Black squirrels with brown tails and grey squirrels with black tails chasing each other around the craggy bark of a Kentucky coffee tree.

Bike bells chiming as a man on a bicycle passes a bunch of kids on scooters.

two squirrels on a tree

All ages from all walks of life.

A man in an electric wheelchair whirring around the park blasting out Steely Dan on loud speakers; it’s a Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress on his second tour.

City workers hunched low, pruning and weeding in the rose garden, talking about their plans for the weekend.

A young couple lying on a blanket, their heads resting on their elbows, almost touching, deep in conversation.

Toddlers in blue and pink onesies with hats with brims so wide you can’t tell if they stumble because of their pudgy little legs, or because they can’t see two feet in from of them.

A dog walker with six dogs, four types of doodles (always the doodles), a husky and some kind of German shepherd cross. How do the leashes never get tangled?

A parade of mostly mothers and strollers marching through the park and gathering in a circle under a big oak tree for a yoga class.

An older gentleman dressed nattily in a blue checked short-sleeved shirt, grey dress shorts and socks, black running shoes and a bowler hat, jogging slowly through the park. How does he manage to look so dapper jogging?

Teenagers splashing each other with water from the fountain, screaming and swearing, oblivious to the disapproving looks of the older woman sitting nearby.

That irritating older woman, always on her phone, looking down instead of up.*

This week’s #HappyAct is to take a stroll in your city park and discover the heart of your city.

*Ed. note: To truly experience the sights, sounds, and smells of your stroll, it’s recommended to stay off your phone. I did use my phone to take photos and notes since I have a poor memory. And for those of you with a historical interest: Many of Canada’s grandest city parks were built in the golden age of park development from 1874-1914. Mont Royal Park in Montreal was built in 1874, Stanley Park in 1888, Assiniboine Park in Winnipeg in 1909, and Gage Park in 1922. As cities developed, there was a recognition that people needed access to nature for their physical and mental health. The City Beautiful Movement rose which promoted beautiful public spaces, including buildings, streetscapes and parks.

dog in park

My trusted companion on my morning strolls.

Moms and strollers in the park
Dog walker with six dogs
Fountain at Gage Park in Hamilton

A funny thing happened on the way to my improv class

Group of people from improv class

Special guest post by Jon Begg

Our bus hit a polar bear. Someone was giving the bear CPR and my head was stuck in its jaws and no one was helping me. Seriously.

Fear. Absolute fear. How did I get myself into this situation?

Well, I signed up for it, a Level One improv class at the Tett Centre in Kingston.

I was a longtime fan of Whose Line is it Anyway so when I saw the ad for improv classes pop up on my Facebook feed I thought ‘Why not’?

I sent the payment, put all the dates on my calendar, told my wife I would be busy Tuesday nights, poured myself a tall glass of red wine and thought to myself “What have I done….?’

The class will probably be filled with quick-thinking Queen’s students… and me. I’m almost 62. I forget people’s names, I can’t think of the right word now and then, I never remember where I put my wallet and keys and the list goes on.

Now I’m going to be put in odd situations with people I don’t know, with no prep time, and have to make a 3-4 minute scene flow seamlessly by blurting what comes to mind first! “Don’t think” they tell you, the gold is what comes out first. Oh, and it helps if you get a few laughs along the way. No pressure at all.

It turns out there was no pressure.

I wasn’t the oldest in the class which for some reason made me feel good.

And there was laughter. Every class. We laughed with others and we laughed at ourselves.

Reader’s Digest had a section called Laughter is the Best Medicine. Turns out it’s true. Laughter is a wonderful thing. Studies around the world have shown laughter boosts immunity, lowers stress hormones, decreases pain, relaxes your muscles, and can help prevent heart disease. Those are just the physical benefits. Mentally, laughter eases anxiety, tension and stress, and can improve your mood. It checked a lot of boxes for me.

Improv was a great way for me to challenge myself, but more importantly, a great way to laugh at myself and at others sweating it out on stage!

For two hours a week I gave no thought to divisive politics, inflation, how to survive retirement, or the long list of social issues we hear about on our daily news feeds. I just laughed. I highly recommend it.

I hope that polar bear is doing okay.

Jon Begg

Jon Begg is a communications specialist, husband, father, grandfather, and fisherman who’s been telling jokes and laughing all his life.

Rainy day people

Girl walking on the beach in the rain

It feels like it’s been raining cats and dogs and elephants this spring. The grass and yellow dandelions in the yard are a foot high, the plants from the garden centre sit shivering in our driveway, and muddy shoes lay strewn across the front porch caked with mud. Everyone I talked to is fed up with the rain.

It begs the question, how does rain affect our happiness and mood?

Rain can make some people sad or depressed. We can’t (or won’t) get outside to do the things we enjoy which puts a damper on our mood. This is true and well-documented for people who are more prone to suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) in the winter months. Lack of sunlight decreases the production of serotonin, a neurotransmitter proven to help regulate anxiety, happiness, and mood.

But you may be surprised to learn rain can have a positive impact on our mental health and happiness and there are some of us who love the rain. They even have a name: pluviophiles. For these people, rain can be rejuvenating, calming, and restorative. Let’s dive into the science.

When it rains, negative ions are released. These are odourless, invisible molecules which are created in moving water. When it rains and water hits a hard surface, the drops break up and pick up a charge. If it is a negative charge, it can generate electrons that can be picked up by molecules in the air, such as oxygen and carbon dioxide, forming negative ions. Research on the effects of negative ions indicates they boost mood, relieve stress, and give us more energy.

Then there is the impact on our olfactory senses. The earthy scent after a rain has a name too. It’s called petrichor, from the Greek words petra, meaning “stone”, and ichor, meaning “the fluid that flows in the veins of the gods”. Petrichor includes a chemical called geosmin, which is made by bacteria in soil. Inhaling it can have a calming effect.

I personally love the sound of rain. On a rainy day, I’m quite happy to sit in my screen porch and listen to the steady drumming of the raindrops on our steel roof. Relaxation and meditation videos use the sound of rain and buildings include features such as artificial fountains and indoor waterfalls for their relaxing sounds and calming effects.

There are even benefits to the grey skies that come with rainy days. With less light, the body tends to produce more melatonin, a hormone that regulates sleep, helping you rest better. 

And yet we tend to be wet blankets when it comes to rain, hiding ourselves indoors until the stormy skies pass.

If you live on the West coast or in Great Britain, you make the best of the rain, dress for the weather and get on with your day.

I once spent six weeks in England and Scotland in November and December. It rained almost every day. That didn’t stop the intrepid Brits. The streets of London were bustling with shoppers, brollies in hand, and the parks were filled with young families with babies in strollers covered in plastic and little ones dressed in bright yellow and red raincoats, splashing in puddles.

Sure, there were days I was tired of the grey skies and panda-sized puddles on the slippery sidewalks, but I remember the wonderful feeling of coming in from the cold, and warming up with a hot cup of tea or enjoying a pint in a cozy pub with some friends.

This week’s #HappyAct is to become a pluviophile and get out for a walk in the rain. Time to go, I see the sun is starting to come out…

Related reading: Swimming in the rain (a poem)

Photo: Clare walking on the beach in the rain in South Carolina

The party you won’t see on the ballot we should all be voting for

elections canada vote sign

Tomorrow, Canadians will go to the polls in what could be one of the most historically significant elections of our generation.

Trump aside, I’ve been thinking of the key issues most Canadians are concerned about in 2025: the cost of living, affordable housing, mental health and health care, climate change, and the economy. I’ve been very fortunate to consider these issues from a new lens, thanks to a group of young PhD international students I’ve been working with as a proctor this past month at Queen’s University.

Two of the graduate students I worked with were from Ethiopia, one doing his PhD in rehabilitation research and the other in nursing. Another was from Syria, doing his PhD in nuclear engineering. They had all done their undergraduate and Masters degrees in different countries around the world and were extremely kind, bright, perceptive, and willing to share their thoughts and experiences of their time in Canada.

They all agreed Canada is a very beautiful, safe country and they particularly loved Kingston. They appreciated the hard work ethic of Canadians and the fact that we are a law abiding country. They did not like our winters!

Some of the things that surprised them is how expensive it is to live here, especially housing. (The one fellow told me he paid $900 a month for a two bedroom apartment in Germany where he did his Masters degree in a city the same size as Kingston. His rent here is $1,700. According to Studying in Germany.org, housing prices are 47% lower than in the US). They’ve also been surprised to see the number of homeless people and people with mental health and drug problems in Canada.

This led to a discussion on the shrinking middle class, a phenomenon that seems to be happening in all countries (my new friends said it was the case in Ethiopia and Egypt too).

However, the biggest culture shock and negative they’ve encountered is the individualistic aspect of Canadian society. We talked at length about child care, since my one new friend just had a baby and the other had two children and a wife here in Canada. They said at home in Ethiopia, child care is not an issue. If you need to work or go somewhere, there is someone—a relative, neighbour, or friend who will look after the children.

That led to discussions about seniors. Older people in their country are cared for and live with their extended families, unlike here in Canada where many seniors live alone or in nursing homes, and suffer from loneliness (see my blog post from a few weeks ago, “Battling the epidemic of loneliness”).

As we were discussing all of these issues, it occurred to me that if we simply went back to having multi-generational families living together, it would solve many of the problems in our society. There would be more available and affordable housing, and the cost of living would be offset by potentially multiple incomes in one household. People would be financially better off and happier, alleviating the strain on health care systems and improving people’s mental health.

If you study the famous “blue zones” in the world where people live longer, multigenerational living is part of their cultural fabric.

Where and when did we go wrong in North America?

In 2015, one of the best selling business books was a book called Weology: When Everybody Wins When We Becomes Before Me, by Peter Aceto, CEO of Tangerine bank. It was a book on the philosophy of leadership in business, but the concept of Weology is one I think we need to start embracing as a society to address these critical issues. Clearly what we’ve been doing up until now isn’t working.

A new party, let’s call it the Weology Party, committed to implementing policy that fosters a philosophy of taking greater care of each other and multi-generational living might just be the solution. From a tax perspective, this could take the form of tax deductions or income splitting for multi-generational households, not just spouses. There are currently tax breaks for people who have eligible dependents over the age of 18 and a tax credit if you are a caregiver for a spouse or senior, but we could do more. To foster this philosophy in our communities, the government could also offer tax breaks and incentives for volunteering.

Municipalities have started to make strides to make it easier for people to live together, allowing and promoting additional dwelling units on lots.

In business, the government could introduce policy to make it attractive for new start-ups to form as employee-owned cooperatives. There is a large corporation in Spain called Mondragon Cooperation that has 70,000 employees, annual sales of 11 billion euros and is highly profitable. They are committed to putting people before profits (for instance during COVID, instead of laying off employees, they reduced salaries across the board by 5%). The ratio of pay between employees and executives is just 6:1 (in Canada, the ratio is 210:1 for our highest paid CEOs and in the States, it’s even higher). This model is one way to distribute wealth more equitably in society, within the framework of a free market economy.

My new proctor friend who was a research fellow in rehabilitation was working with a professor who was researching the impact and effectiveness of formal versus informal supports for people with disabilities. Their theory is that informal supports are far more important in helping people with disabilities live full and rewarding lives. They are still in the research and data collection phase, but my guess is the data will show that informal supports, people supporting people, will be more important.

Which brings us back to election day. Make sure you vote. You won’t see the Weology party on the ballot this election, but perhaps some day we will. In the meantime, we need to all start thinking about what small changes we can make in our lives to move Canada towards a healthier (both financially and physically), happier, and connected society.

Battling the epidemic of loneliness

man wearing pink flamingo glasses

There is an epidemic sweeping our country—the epidemic of loneliness.

In our grandparents’ day, the average detached home in Canada had six people in it. For my generation, it was four people. Today it’s 2.1. One of the fastest growing sub-segments in the housing industry today is single homeowners in their 20s. For the first time in modern history, we also have an entire generation of seniors living alone in isolation.

The two age brackets most at risk of being lonely are youth and seniors. According to Statistics Canada’s Canadian Social Survey: Loneliness in Canada, more than 1 in 10 people aged 15 or older say they “always or often” feel lonely. A 2024 study of seniors estimated between 19-24% of Canadians over the age of 65 feel isolated from others and wished they could participate in social activities in their community.

The impacts of loneliness in seniors especially are well known. In addition to depression, emotional distress, and dementia, loneliness can result in increased risks of chronic illness and falls, poor general health and premature death.

Humans were not meant to live alone. We were meant to live in tribes.

So what can we do to battle the epidemic of loneliness? Here are some words of advice people shared in a recent Quora post:

“Have a pet and walk them every day. You’ll meet people on your walks”

“Join a club or activity…check out the nearest seniors centre for programs services” (I’ve really enjoyed the activities I participate in at the Seniors Association of Kingston and have found my tribe there)

Volunteer

“Find people you can text every day”

 “Check out the website meetup.com for a list of groups and activities that may appeal to you” (I looked to see what was listed for my area of Kingston, Ontario and there was everything from guided hikes, to toastmasters groups, to meditation and church groups)

“Nobody is going to come to you. Go out and find a church family, join a gym, go for walks, talk to your neighbours. Don’t spend your senior years being sad. Enjoy every day you have left. If you lived near me I would be your friend.”

“Every time you find yourself thinking about your own loneliness and state, think about someone in the world you can help. A neighbour who needs help, bake some cookies, whatever”

“To have a friend you need to be a friend.”

“I remember this documentary on finding happiness. The director at the beginning of the film said he would sum up the secret of happiness with one 4 letter word. I assumed it would be “love” but was surprised when he said it was risk. It’s all about taking calculated risks and steps to make opportunities happen for yourself and it will pay off. Good luck your future happiness is within you.”

This week’s #HappyAct is to do something to battle the epidemic of loneliness. Reach out to a friend, join a group, visit a senior who lives alone. It’s all about caring and sharing—more on that next week!

Coming up…March 20 is World Happiness Day. This year’s theme is Caring and Sharing. Be sure to check back next week when I dive into the results of the 2025 Report on World Happiness.

Photo: One of my favourite photos of Dave’s Dad who is living proof a youthful heart and spirit will always keep you young at heart and happy. He texts his friends and family every day.

It’s okay to be sad

happy and sad face pictures

People don’t talk about being sad anymore. They talk about being unhappy, struggling with their mental health or being depressed, but they don’t talk about being sad.

It’s like the word has been eradicated from our vocabulary.

This is a dangerous and disturbing trend because it presupposes that when we are sad, we have an illness or problem, when sadness is a natural emotion.

The other day I asked a friend how they were doing after spending the first Christmas without their Mom. My friend naturally admitted there were times she was sad, missing her mother very much.

Last week, we dropped Clare off at the airport in Ottawa. We knew it would be the last time we would see her until spring, and I was very sad for a day or two, missing her terribly as we returned to a quiet, empty house.

Author and happiness researcher Helen Russell in “How to Be Sad” says that in order to be happy, you need to allow yourself to be sad sometimes, but most people are terrified of being sad.

Exacerbating the problem is society’s newfound hyper-focus on mental health. We are so focused on mental health that there is a propensity to self-diagnose a deeper issue or problem when we may just be in fact, experiencing temporary, normal sadness.

We are often sad when we experience grief or loss, all inescapable emotions in life. If we are sad, it is because we’ve been blessed to have held something dear and joyous.

For example, as a parent, it is hard to watch your child experience heartbreak, but if they are sad from having their heart broken, it means they have lived and loved, and sadness and heartbreak are all part of the process of loving and finding the right person.

So the next time you find yourself feeling a little down, remember it’s okay to be sad.