I’m fine and Dave and the girls are fine, but there are just too many people I care about that are getting kicked in the teeth by life right now. It’s making me feel overwhelmed and helpless.
So what can you do when your happiness is being crushed by a heavy heart?
Hug your loved ones and tell them you love them every day.
Have a good cry if you need to.
Be grateful for friends, family, and the people who will be there when you need them most.
Try to find solace in the smallest joys and moments.
And bake a lot of banana bread*.
My heavy heart goes out to all of you right now, you know who you are.
*The banana bread reference is a funny story worth sharing to end this week’s blog with a smile, even if it is a sad smile. When my sister-in-law MaryAnne was sick, I brought food over every week for her and Mac. Their wonderful neighbours in Westport also dropped off meals and baked goods regularly. One day when I showed up with soup and some cookies, Mac said “As long as it isn’t another f**kin banana bread!”
On Friday, when the temperatures were forecasted to soar into the thirties, I said to Dave, “I’m calling a cottage day”.
You don’t need to actually own a cottage to call a cottage day. A cottage day is when you pretend you are at somebody else’s cottage, where there’s no laundry or chores calling your name and you spend the entire day lounging around, relaxing on the deck reading books, playing games, eating and drinking.
It’s a day where you give yourself permission to do whatever you want and not even think about housework or chores.
I slept in, read a magazine while eating my breakfast, did a few things around the house, then headed to the lake. I read my book on the dock, threw the ball endlessly for Benny in the lake, went for a long paddle and three long swims, before heading up to have lunch on the back deck.
After lunch, I took a nap in the screened porch, then we went to our local farmer’s market to stock up on fresh greens and bread for dinner. It was exactly what I needed and the perfect panacea after a busy week and month.
Years ago, after we got married, Dave and I had the great debate. Do we save and buy a cottage property, or buy a home on the water? Two big factors swayed us to our decision to buy a year-round waterfront home.
The first was we were both absolutely useless at home renovations, repairs and maintenance. The idea of maintaining two properties was just not in the cards for us.
The second was our decision to move out of the Greater Toronto Area to north of Kingston where lakefront properties abound. We made it a goal the minute we moved down here to own lakefront and bought our little piece of paradise six years later and have never looked back.
Now Dave’s favourite thing is to go fishing on Sunday nights after supper. When we’re out on the boat, he always says the same thing. “If we were up at a cottage, we’d be stuck in traffic right now driving back to the city.” Then he casts his line into the still waters, the setting sun casting a warm glow behind him, and turns to me and smiles.
The perfect end to the perfect cottage day.
This week’s #HappyAct is to call a cottage day. Enjoy!
I’ve just finished reading two books, Neil Young’s biography Wage Heavy Peace and Neil Pasricha’s New York Times Bestseller from 2016, The Happiness Equation.
Both were great reads and even though they were very different books, the authors shared a common message: to be happy and successful in life, you have to do it for you.
I didn’t know much about Neil Young before I read his biography, other than he grew up in Omemee (pronounced Oh-me-me) outside of Peterborough and of course his music, since I’m a big fan.
To say he’s led an interesting, incredible life is an understatement, but I was surprised to learn of all the health challenges, personal tragedy and struggles he’s shared in his life from polio as a child, to back surgeries, grief and loss.
Throughout, music has been his inspiration, solace, escape and passion. I wasn’t aware of his other passions in life–his love of old cars, model trains and his quest to revolutionize sound by developing technology to restore the purity of records through his company Pona and interest in electric vehicles through his Lincvolt project. What an amazing guy.
Did he pursue any of these things because his record labels wanted him to, or to sell records or ingratiate himself with fans? No, he did it for himself.
Young insisted on festival seating for all his indoor shows, even though it meant less money for the band because he wanted people who were stoked to be there at the front of the stage instead of “rich folk on cell phones”, saying the feeling of the shows and experience for the band and audience was much better. He once had his manager rewrite the contracts for a tour already booked because they hadn’t included festival seating.
A writer once accused him of compiling his archives just to further his own legend “whatever that is”. He writes, “What a shallow existence that would be…” and then in classic Neil Young fashion, “it pissed me off.”
In The Happiness Equation, Parischa openly admits he was a victim of his own success early in his career, equating happiness with more book sales, speaking engagements and the number of hits on his blog.
Parischa talks about intrinsic and extrinsic motivators, saying the happiest people are driven by intrinsic motivation. They eschew the critics, the pressure to do what others want them to do, and they forge their own path. He quotes John Lennon who once famously said, “I’m not judging whether ‘I Am the Walrus’ is a better or worse than ‘Imagine’. It is for others to judge. I am doing it. I do. I don’t stand back and judge…I do.”
This week’s #HappyAct is to take it from the Neils and do it for you.
Sometimes you find inspiration in the least likely of places.
I often glance at the obituaries in my local newspaper. This morning, I was reading the obit from an accomplished doctor, Dr. Nicholas Evans. The caption under his photo read, “I have used my days well.”
He was Chief of Gastroenterology at The Toronto Western Hospital and a world leader in the research of the gut-brain interaction. What struck me the most was the majority of the column was devoted to his family and life outside of work. One paragraph in particular captured my attention.
His family wrote, “He shared his life-long belief in the ‘Joy/Crap’ ratio with generations of family, friends and colleagues in need of guidance. Everything in life can be distilled down to one simple question—does the crap outweigh the joy? If so, you have your answer, follow the joy, ditch the crap and change what you can to ensure the joy always outweighs the crap.”
So my friends, what is your crap/joy ratio? This week’s #HappyAct is to make one change to achieve a healthier ratio. Ditch the crap. Find the joy.
And if you need a smile, along the same vein of dealing with life’s crap:
Sharing a pot of tea is a ritual in many cultures. My family has a British-Australian background so I learned how to make a decent cup of tea early on, and our family often made a pot of tea after dinner. My husband’s family is Japanese and my late mother-in-law’s green tea set is a cherished possession in our house, a connection to someone very dear to us.
Morning tea in Australia and New Zealand is a daily tradition at 10:30 or 11:00 am. It is a break at school or work when everyone pauses for a cup of tea (or coffee) and a biscuit or small snack. It is a time to make announcements, welcome new employees, give a shout-out to someone who deserves it, or have a friendly chat with colleagues. Even on a road trip Australians will have a morning tea break with a thermos of tea at a roadside picnic table. No Tim Hortons drive-thru for the Aussies!
Tea is a beverage used to comfort others, a way of saying “everything will be alright”. The acts of boiling the kettle, warming the teapot, letting the tea steep, stirring the tea in the cup are comforting. Teatime reminds us of civility and of the late Queen Elizabeth II who many people viewed in a grandmotherly way. Problems big and small can be shared and solved over a cup of tea and a biscuit.
I have a friend who suffered a loss over the holidays. I wanted to offer her some comfort and a chance to sit and relax for a bit. It was fun for me to assemble a plate of sweet treats, get out all my finest teacups, saucers and spoons, and open up the tin of English tea that was a holiday gift.
We whiled away the afternoon with warm tea and conversation while the cold winter snow piled up outside the door. In a busy, chaotic world the tradition of sharing tea is just one way to maintain connections with friends. Consider it part of the shared effort that one puts into relationships that makes them cherished and lasting, and a way of showing that we care.
On these grey, dreary wintry days, I find I have to really work hard to keep smiling.
As I hunker down for the long wait for spring, I bake! Sure, the calorie count exceeds the daily recommended limit, but I try to offset it with morning winter walks.
I love trying new recipes and my husband is happy to be the test taster. I search the internet for yummy recipes or go to my recipe box for the old faithfuls from my childhood.
Cookies, squares, cakes. All good! Sometimes that little hit of sugar gives you the boost you need to make it through the winter blues.
So preheat your oven to 350F, grease the cookie tray, and start mixing up some yummy goodness for you and your family to enjoy and get you through those long winter days.
Light as a Feather Gingerbread Cake
½ cup boiling water ½ cup shortening ½ cup brown sugar ½ cup light molasses 1 egg 1 ½ cup flour ½ tsp salt ½ tsp baking powder ½ tsp baking soda ¾ tsp ginger ¾ tsp cinnamon
Directions: Pour hot water over shortening. Add sugar, molasses, egg and beat well. Add sifted dry ingredients. Beat well until smooth. Bake in a 8” square pan at 350 degrees for 35 minutes. Serve with whipped cream and fresh strawberries (optional).
I’m into week six of living life indoors with a broken ankle.
Aside from the chronic nerve pain, I’ve been surprised that I’ve been able to keep my spirits up for the most part. And in a strange way, there have been some silver linings.
I’ve started on some writing projects I never seemed to have time for.
I’ve been able to spend days home with Bentley, although he mainly just looks at me with sad, accusing eyes.
I’ve spent time on the phone catching up with friends.
For the first time ever, I’m caught up with my bills, correspondence and filing.
I’ve learned that as long as you have the right system, you can be self-sufficient and do things on your own (although I still say you can’t drink a proper cup of tea from a Yeti).
And finally, I’ve learned that even if someday I am limited in my mobility, I’ll be OK. I used to think that if I didn’t get outside every day, I would literally wither away. I now understand how some seniors choose to stay indoors where it is warm and safe during the winter months.
As I gaze out my sunroom windows on this snowy morning, I’m looking forward to my first walk in the fresh snow, but I also know now that if someday, that walk isn’t possible, I can still be happy.
This week’s #HappyAct is to look for the silver lining.
What if I told you the secret to happiness and success is a line and a number?
The line is called the Losada line and the number is 2.9013 which is the ratio of positive to negative interactions you need to have to be happy and successful. Simply put, you need to have at least three positive interactions to every negative one to be happy.
The Losada line and ratio came out of a study done in 2005 by two psychologists, Marcial Losada and Barbara Fredrickson who analyzed the interactions of management teams and how successful they were. The mathematical formula they used was subsequently challenged and discredited by some experts, but many psychologists still cite their work and adopt the principles of the Losada line in sport, business, and to help individuals achieve positive mental health.
They found if teams generate more than 2.9013 positive feelings, emotions or interactions to every 1 negative feeling, emotion or interaction, the team has positive energy needed to feel good about themselves and flourish. A 5:1 ratio is a culture everyone wants to be part of. Teams below the Losada line of 2.9013 have a deteriorating culture, and at 0.73 to 1, the team culture destructs.
In another study, Dr. John Gottman looked at similar research in marriages. Gottman claims he can predict divorce with 90% accuracy by counting the number of positive versus negative interactions a couple has.
In marriage, the magic ratio is 5:1 (why the ratio is higher in marriage is an interesting question, presumably because marriage is hard and there are two individuals’ happiness at stake!)
Happy couple have at least 5 positive interactions for every negative one. You can read more about Gottman’s study and the types of positive interactions between happy couples here.
This week’s #HappyAct is to take the personal positivity test and strive to increase your personal to negative interactions to 3:1 or higher. Gottman also has a quiz on his website called “How Well Do You Know Your Partner” (note you have to provide your email address to get the results emailed to you but a summary pops up on the screen as soon as you provide your email).
And don’t worry if you score low initially on the personal positivity test. I expected to because I’m at home nursing a broken ankle right now. Think of it more as a check in with how you’re feeling, then start working towards improving your positive interactions and on a path to better mental health and happiness.
“Do things for people not because of who they are or what they do in return, but because of who you are.” – Harold S. Kushner, prominent American rabbi, and author.
Today is World Kindness Day, a day to celebrate and promote good deeds and kindness. Last week I reflected on the state of kindness in the world in “Take the high road”. This week, I’m adjuring all of us to do one #KindAct to spread happiness and kindness in the world. Here are some ideas on how you can kind it forward:
Ways to kind it forward
Reach out to a friend or family member you haven’t spoken to in a while.
If there’s been a rift, forgive them. Apologize and be a good listener.
It seems everyone is sick with some kind of cold or flu right now. Take someone who’s feeling under the weather a bowl of soup, magazine or some baked goods.
Many communities right now are holding food drives for their local food bank. I spoke to our local food bank the other day and their shelves are desperately low and they anticipate higher demand with food prices soaring. South Frontenac Township is holding a food drive during the whole month of November. You can drop off items at the arena, 4432 George Street or 2490 Keeley Road.
This one’s my favourite: do a random act of kindness that will make someone’s day, like buy a coffee for the next person in line or the drive-through or leave a beautiful card with an inspirational saying in a neighbour’s mailbox.
Hug your family and tell them you love them.
Be kind to yourself.
Kindness isn’t a day. It isn’t a single act. It defines who we are as individuals and a society and who we aspire to be.
The best way we can make the world more kind is simply engaging, listening and caring for others.
What will your act of kindness be today? More importantly, what will it be tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that? Leave a comment—I’d love to hear about how your day went.
Happy Act 